All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
