Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
