It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
