u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
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totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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