you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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