her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
