she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
