Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
