Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
