My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Randomize
