Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
