The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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