Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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