well I can't set my house on fire every night
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
