i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize