I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
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I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
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i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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