Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
My vagina just recognized that song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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