i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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