Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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