Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
