so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
