she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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