Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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