Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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