Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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