I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
