Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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