Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just pee around me
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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