this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
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I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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