you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
