I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i dont even know how to be here
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
