I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
