...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
