fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
