I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
