I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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