does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Randomize
