Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize