Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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