Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
