I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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