Im at strip club and am horny
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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