somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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