Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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