How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
