I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
