i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
there is glitter all over my balls
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