She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This baby is an asshole
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
