plz talk dirty to me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
