so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
