So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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