Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
